Scientists recently announced limited success in creating "in vitro meat," known also as IVM.  This vat grown meat is being hailed as one of the greatest accomplishments of modern society, an end to animal suffering, an answer to our carbon footprint woes, and a boon for the boutique meat market all in one.  But is it really?

The claim: IVM is more humane than factory farming.  

On this count, the IVM fans are absolutely correct.  Vat grown meat does not have nerve cells, and therefore cannot feel pain.  And being simply a collection of muscle cells, it has nothing that even approaches consciousness.  Factory farming is one of the greatest atrocities of the western world today, and anything that hastens its demise is a benefit to the world as a whole.

However, unless there is a huge leap forward in the science involved, vat meat requires a great deal of first generation fetal cells and fluids in order to grow.  This means sacrificing a lot of baby cows in order to get a vat of meat.  And there will still be a market for dairy products and eggs, and the suffering that the factory farming of those items entails.

The claim: vat meat has a much smaller carbon footprint

Yes and no.  Like Michael Pollan says, a meat eater in a Prius has a larger carbon footprint than a vegetarian in an SUV.  Farm animals contribute a significant amount of greenhouse gases directly, in the form of methane burps and farts.  And in order to feed farm animals, we have to grow plants (with petroleum fertilizers) and ship grain (on gas-burning trucks).  

Neither of these will contribute to the overhead of IVF, but it will require a lot of electricity to support it through an entire growth cycle.  How much is unclear at this point.  But it's unreasonable to expect that IVF will be a carbon footprint magic bullet.  

The claim: the boutique meat market will flourish with cloned exotic animal meat

Perhaps so, but the most likely use of IVF will be to replace your bottom tier meats.  Cheap deli meat, pepperoni for your pizza, whatever it is that they put inside Hot Pockets, all of these meats could easily be replaced by IVF.  (I like the idea of a world where an animal doesn't have to die in order to bring a Lean Cuisine frozen dinner to market.)

Most of the flavor and texture which makes an exotic meat unique comes from the animal's living habits and diet.  These factors will be difficult to reproduce in IVF.  There will undoubtedly be a small novelty factor, but no one goes out deer or duck hunting because of the taste.

The claim: vegetarians will finally be able to eat meat guilt-free

I'm not so sure about this.  Most non-vegetarians seem to assume that all vegetarians desperately miss eating meat.  I can't speak for all vegetarians, but I certainly don't feel that way, and I don't happen to know any vegetarians who do.

Granted, it will be nice to have another option.  Particularly at sandwich shops, because I get tired of eating one sprout-filled sandwich after another.  And if the family can agree on a vat grown turkey for holiday dinner, all the better!